I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
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