why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
