So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i just google imaged poop.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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