at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i used baking grease as lip gloss
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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