hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just threw up on my dentist
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Randomize
