i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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