my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
