i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
