Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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