A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
