what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize