And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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