i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Randomize
