I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
