He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize