Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
My penis needs a shock collar
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
