You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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