I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
