There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
