hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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