every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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