I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
