We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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