No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
