I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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