So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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