I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
