I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
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