C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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