It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
40s are totally the cure
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
