The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
