Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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