So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
