I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
