it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
where am i from again
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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