she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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