I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Sex in the backyard? Check.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
