he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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