I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize