Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
