Best friends brother. Beat that.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
