I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize