i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
