please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
