i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I just threw up on my dentist
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
