Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize