this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
