I seem to have left my pride at pride
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
