I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
