His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
