oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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