that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
