I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
