god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
