Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
