Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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