I puked a lego.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Randomize
